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Cause I don't want to know.
I'm sick of people not respecting me. I feel like not one person I know takes me seriously or really gets what I'm saying. I feel like people just agree to keep from talking about it or to sound better then they are but when it comes down to it- they're all just fake.
I feel like I'm wasting my time on so many people right now.Current Music: Thriving Ivory |
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4:49AM
Eric has to be up for work at 8.
They boys are playing darts.
Since we're limited on money here activities have been limited down to darts and pacman.
I did have the high score.
So the boys are playing straight shots for the loser of every game. haha
Pretty funny stuff.
We went out to dinner with Eric's parents- Josh, Steven, Melissa and Jay tonight at 59 west.
It was really fun- the food there is so fantastic there and my brother Mike cooked it all. =]
I was hoping we would have been able to hang out with him but...people do work haha.
It wasn't that busy. He put in his 2 weeks there even though he doesn't have another job to cover it...I'm kinda worried about him...
He said he has an interview tomorrow at a computer store. That would be good for him. More chilled out...possibly.
So we played a bunch of games of pool and played a punching game...and okay I WATCHED these guys do it and was like 'oh yeah I can totally do that!' but yeah...if you hit the side you look like a fucking fool...like I did. I SERIOUSLY got a 1. A FUCKING ONE.
Ugh. Well...Eric got 6 something Ray got 7 something and Steven got 5 something.
Funnnn. I hate them. lol
Then we came back home and Terry was there because his CUNT of a girlfriend decided she wanted to go over to TY'S house and drink and fuck other guys...so she drops him here. He told me he talked to Ang about coming over and that's the only reason I let him in but I guess it really wasn't okay and he just told me it was...but whateve.
Jen and Ray are spending the night so we let them keep our room for the night and we're stuck out here with everyone that's wasted.
I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep at all and I'm kinda pissed about that...but whateve I don't have anything to do tomorrow till 2 so it's cool.
I started at TB and wow...my boss is a fucking bitch. No joke.
I mean I'm SURE she isn't THAT bad but jesus...she fucked up my orientation...then made me wait 3 fucking weeks to start...(I know it's not her fault they don't need people right this second...but it's like WHY did you hire me then?..) So...when I was at orientation she told me 'oh I'll give you a hat and name tag when you come in next' so I go in for my first day and they are busy so I don't walk right back I just wait for someone to tell me what to do...then she's like 'WHERE'S YOU NAME TAG AND HAT!??!?!' and of coarse...I'm getting peeved about everything else that's already went on so I'm like 'Seriously, you didn't give me any of that yet....' and she seriously like stomps away. Wow...later on the other manager told me that this TB is like high school drama shit all the time. GAY. When you run a business your not suppose to care about who's sending you flowers...(which she seriously cried because someone came with flowers and ((HAHA)) they were like...'oh she doesn't work here' and I laughed so hard.) so yeah...I'm back in high school in this job I guess.
wow..that was a bunch of nonsense....sorry kids. I get bored.
So hopefully I get to go to sleep soon.
Till next time I'm extremely bored...Current Mood:  accomplished Current Music: screaming shit? |
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I feel like I'm being buried alive by my own life.
My own mistakes.
My own failure.
I can't seem to do anything right and in the end...nothing ever matters.
I can try and try and scream and hope and pray and do everything in my power to try and live my life the 'right' way.
I can push my feelings aside and live in the constant shadow of my former self.
Drowning in this hell I call my life.
I'm just a puppet and everyones controlling my strings.
One day I hope their just still and everything just stops.
I always thought when I was in love...when someone loved me and I loved them back we would be untouchable..
I always sound like I'm so unhappy...it's not that it's just that i'm living a lie.
Somedays that makes me happy.
Today it doesn't.Current Mood:  blank Current Music: Pacman,,, |
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So, everything has been going well...better then it has been for a long time.
Me and Eric moved in with Angela and Steven 2 days ago in a apartment in Milford. I love being gone but as I walked to my parents house today I was kinda sad thinking...that that was MY house anymore and I can't just run home to my mom every time something goes wrong. I think thats what I like most about being gone. I need to break this cycle of constant dependency.
I've been pretty good. Since Eric's been in my life he's been slowly helping me learn a VERY hard lesson about life...the sad one when you find out you really are all you have. I mean- don't get me wrong...we're together but we are two different people.
more later...we have people i'm going to go rock out. <3 |
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I've been doing a REALLY bad job about keeping up with my entrees.
We've been staying with Ally and Tommy at their apartment in Waterford.
It's been about a month now...we don't have the internet but there's more then enough to entertain us all.
I like living with them because we all get along. There hasn't been any fighting or any sign off frustration.
Go us!?
Eric's been working his ass off and I feel just horrible...I wish I was making money. =[ We're hoping to get a place soon...I day dream about it everyday. I don't think that will make me less stressed though.
(why the fuck is everything coming up as a spelling error?)
Anyway...my mom left for the bash today...it's the last one and I'll never be able to say I went to one. I'm bummed she didn't make an effort to let me come along. =[ Mixed feelings on that...watching people get annihilated till they vomit all over themselves isn’t really my style anymore...but it can be entertaining.
I feel like there has been a lot going on but I guess it's not as much as I thought when I sit back and think about it.
Ray and Jen are in town and we hung out with them at Eric's uncles for a couple nights. Their pool is the shit- I was in it for like 5 hours...the most I've swam this summer at once. Kim and her kids came the first night and I had a blast. It was starting to feel like last summer...only I've been at my moms in Milford too much for it to be like that...
Milford memories is this weekend and hopefully I get to go hang out with some Milford kids. Eric will be working so I wont have anything to do anyway...and Julie is coming up at the end of the month!!!! That is what I'm MOST excited for. Possibly the only thing I'm happy about right now. It's not that I'm sad...or anything...I'm just blank. Weird feelings for the day...or week...or past couple months.
...So what the fuck is missing?
I just am stuck in this rut of growing up and things drastically changing. Fuck it all. It's too much for my brain to rack at once.
My mom brought up the fact that my Grandma Bachi has been gone for 3 years now...and my whole life we were with her so much...just about the only grandma that cared enough about us freel kids. She was the most amazing person I'd known besides my mother.
I don't know how describe that feeling I felt when we were talking about it.
It's not hard to imagine if you know me...I suck at dealing with death or talking about dying.
Another weird thing I was thinking about today is those weird movies where there's some ugly bitch trying to suck the life of children to get eternal youth...I would so be one of those bitches. Eric’s sisters are obsessed with Twilight…the only things I’m obsessed with vampires about is that they have everything so easy…I mean except for the whole having to slay people thing. I guess with everything there has to be something that sucks. It’s all a fucking joke.
I need to remind myself to stop complaining sometimes and just enjoy life.
and to stop being such a pussy.
Reality check?Current Mood:  indifferent Current Music: Kings of leon- SEX on Fire |
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I talked to Lauren Lynn today and as soon as she started talking about her grandparents house, it was like a huge memorie came rushing into my brain. Hanging out at her grandparents when we were little was so awesome- they had this huge yard and a huge pond with a paddle boat and we always went on all kinds of adventures together. She said another thing that made me happy. She said I was her best friend back in those days. It's nice to hear...it's nice to think about how I've had a lot of "best friends." I mean I really only favor one and I will keep her unnamed. I still talk to her to this day and love her with all my heart and she's one person I COULD live with and COULD be around all the time...and I miss her dearly. (hint hint?)
I think sometimes about all those people I've made connections with and wonder where they went...maybe not so much the people...but that connection we had...that moment where we knew we could trust each other and we felt safe around each other...cause that doesn't happen very often now. &that makes me think, was I too easy to trust those people when I was younger...or was I just naive?
I feel so pathetic for always missing these childhood friends...it's just a part of life.
So why is it SO hard to get over.
Why are some people always looking for closure with other people? It doesn't mean anything it doesn't make that connection come back and it sure as hell doesn't fix anything between the two people. What happened already happened...none can take it back.
I wish there was a way for them to know...I wish I could have my chance to show people that I'm worth having around.
Jun. 24th, 2009 @ 08:26 pm
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| » Writer's Block: Music for Thought |
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When I need to get something done I can't listen to music that pumps me up or I'll get too distracted. So mostly I'll listen to something chilled like Rocky V or the Shins. Especially if I'm writing I can't write to something intense, I need to be able to sink inside it and let that music mind fuck me into a state of total freedom where I can just keep a single creative flow.
Jun. 22nd, 2009 @ 11:23 pm
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| » Writer's Block: Teen Time Machine |
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I just wanna be free.
I guess my dream is to live in a time when everyone was wearing flowers in their hair and tripping out on lsd. I don't care to much about drugs but everything was new and chaotic but in a good way- people had new experiences and music was the ideal thing. I don't think a lot of people cared what they looked like... or you for that matter. I think people were interested more in being apart of something other then just trying to get by. They didn't care if they had money as long as they loved someone and they loved them back.
Jun. 21st, 2009 @ 07:03 pm
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| » It's another one sided story, |
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where the other half is always missing.
I don't remember the last time I wrote about something really good. It's always because when the good things are going on I don't think I have a second to spare to write in detail about the bliss I'm enjoying.
I don't have any time alone anymore, not that I'm complaining.
I don't like being alone.
I'm starting to think I don't make a difference to anyone.
Jun. 9th, 2009 @ 12:33 am
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| » Disappointment |
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about life
about myself
about my relationships with
friends,
family,
boyfriends...
about things ever going right
about finally getting my shit together
oh and about the wings losing last night =[
Jun. 5th, 2009 @ 02:47 pm
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| » Fair |
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Why are there so many opportunities in this world is most of us don't get to experience half of them?
I'm listening to Rocky Votolato...I guess that's when I start thinking about things...everyone's gone (or distant) and my mind is uneasy with all the jumping thoughts and scattered ideas...Sometimes I just wanna start over. I organize everything so well in my head.
Don't some people say life is about learning from your mistakes? What's the point of learning if the opportunity is gone...and that mistake you could never get back or redo for anything? What did you learn then, that you can't make choices because you'll fuck it up every time?
I've always been kind of a negative thinker...
I have an interview at the 24 hour clinic across the street on Thursday, I'm pretty excited. Of all the times I've tried to apply there- there is finally an opening.
Jun. 2nd, 2009 @ 07:03 pm
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| » To whoever cares and whoever doesn't. |
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Coming home is never the same after being gone so long. It’s like the scene in garden state where Zach braff and Natalie portman are in the pool and they are talking about the imaginary place that everyone misses…home. I feel like when I come here everything builds up into a horrible mist of memories good and bad, some people can feel energy and I don’t even have to think about it twice. I can’t avoid it all the time like when I first come back and I’m alone I sink into the sounds of the house and wonder down memory lane into confusion and this lost sense of fake dreams. That makes me think that I wanna know more and more when my life is actually going to pick up and I’ll start living in the real world. Some people have made me realize that I’m half way or already there. Everyone is different everyone has their own paths in life. Some people don’t care that I’m 20 and I don’t have really anything going for me (besides myself…my biggest critic) I may not have a child yet or have held a stead job but I’ve experienced so much that I believe makes me equal to all those people who think they are actually living the dream. I don’t wanna be boring…I don’t wanna live the status quo and work the 9-5 and hate my husband and wish my kids would leave me alone for 2 seconds…I know those mothers love their children in the end and those husbands are life partners but I just wanna know if theres more out there then the norm. But I’m drifting away from my normal point…like I always do.
Home…does not exist. It’s not real. I don’t wanna believe these walls cant talk…I don’t wanna believe that these pictures mean nothing that everything I write doesn’t matter because it’s over and I don’t know why I care so freaking much about my past and my story in this world. I don’t know what I’m trying to solve or accomplish by writing and writing everything that I already know…I don’t know why I crave to be so accepted and heard.
Then again who knows anything anyway.
We’re all just breathing and looking at things…it doesn’t mean that everything’s real just because you can see it.
May. 10th, 2009 @ 11:06 pm
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| » We're floating in space |
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I've been back in Michigan for a little over a week now, with Eric...we've been house jumping.
An update:
We've stayed at Crissy's mostly and a few nights at my house.
Eric's birthday was a half awesome and half disastrous. Natalie (Eric's older sister) rented one of those huge party buses that hold like 30 people...and we had like 10 extra I believe. I knew more people then I thought which was good. Emily (Eric's twin) and her roommate Julie picked us up and half of the people got on the bus at their apartment and the other half got on in Novi at Eric's oldest sisters house. (Angela) The bus was already pretty full before we picked up the other half of the people. We went to Royal Oak first then back to Novi. I couldn't get into any of the bars but there was a hand full of people would stayed on the bus and some that weren't 21 too. I think it was all pretty cool and chilled until about a half hour before we left the last bar. People started getting obnoxious and they tried to fight other people and there was a few small cat fights. I guess that's a given when you have that many people together plus alcohol and not everyones gonna like each other. Then on the way home Eric was fighting with one of Emily's friends. I sat in the front and stayed out of that drama...I went back there once to see if I could talk to anyone about it and I got attacked by two of his sisters...so I just went up front and talked to Katie (who is fucking awesome.) At the end of the night with everything going on and me kinda of getting the raw end of it I was pretty upset and I was feeling pretty shitty. Trying to help drunk people isn't a good idea...and people are fucking mean about it. Like someone said... "well they didn't ask for your help" but when I see someone out on the side walk crying their eyes out in hardly any clothes wasted and a half I'm not just gonna leave them there. Especially if I happen to think they don't deserve that kind of sadness. I feel like a lot of the people I know now don't care about things like I do and I don't know if that makes me stupid for caring or them an ass for not caring. What's sad is I bet hardly anyone remembered that night like I did.
The we were going to go to Attack! Attack! and everything got all messed up and come to find out they weren't even there so I'm glad all in all we didn't go. We did go out to the movies with Ally and Tommy and see Knowing which wasn't half bad.
May. 7th, 2009 @ 06:31 pm
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| » Dave Faber? |
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WHY does he have to have SUCH an unattractive face? DAVE Faber? Seriously you named your band after your last name? I thought it was gonna be a street sign or something...but no it's your last name.
Anyway- LOVE this band to death since *FLASH BACK* Last summer (2008) sitting around the table in the dinning room at Eric's old house in White Lake, drawing an add on game and people are drinking and going in the hot tub and this song comes on and Eric starts singing (which I loveeee) I downloaded it for him and every night for like weeks we would go in his room after everyone left turn on Faber Drive and spend some very romantic and amazing nights together. =]
Most people have songs...but me and Eric have a fucking band. How incredible is that?
On another note- I've been seriously debating with myself again like I should draw out a pros and cons pie chart...about Eric and moving and where my life is (or isn't) going. It's seriously driving me nuts.
I realized again today I wasn't cut out for country life when A. I saw Ray and Uncle Frank attacking the truck SMOTHERED in dirt, grease and oil I could SMELL them from my chair and looked at Eric and thanked god hes a video game nerd and B. When fucking Bella and KC ruined my life by attacking a squirrel and consistently tried to give it to people as a "gift" WHAT THE FUCK DOG I know they do that...(same with cats) but WHY. Like, it should have been on video Bella starts running over to Jenny like "LOOK WHAT I HAVE" (and seriously if it could talk...it would sound like a fucking annoying little retarded kid) and then there's me chasing it going "EW EWE EW EW EW BELLA! DROP IT BELLA EWWWW!" and as I go to grab a stick, Bella drops it and KC snatches it and runs of with it completely like STUFFED in his mouth (I almost puked) then he RUNS towards the door and scratches to be let it. Repeat of me screaming at the dog to put it down...and knocking on the door to get Eric's attention...in which he LAUGHS HUGE opens the door a crack and says "KC want inside?" and then me and Jen freak and and he closes it (still laughing) and walks away. Oh yeah and then KC left it on the porch for us...and all anyone could do was laugh, oh but me cause I had to fucking pee and I wanted inside!! but it was terribly funny and entertaining...but lastly C. because shit like that happens in the county and people find it EXCITING like me? gross...I'm dying for some human interaction and friends. I can't wait to come homeeee!! I guess we might be going out to the bar tonight to play pool but it's like 9:30 and Jen wont make it that much longer because she's use to going to sleep early..and Rays been working all day with Frank...and Eric and me..well we don't have money so...we can't just go by ourselves. LAME.FML.
Apr. 24th, 2009 @ 08:55 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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Don’t fall in love young- wait as long as you can and hold on to that fake feeling in your stomach of what it might be like, keep that fake idea in your head of what is means to love someone. The actual feeling and the thought of it are two entirely different things, which should be a given…but what most people figure out is that the only good thing about love or being in it is the first stages of it…then most of us fade away from each other and change. We begin to hate each other, we begin to wish life was different or we could go back in time and do everything differently. What sucks the most is having an attachment to that person and still wanting to be there even though subconsciously you wish everything was different and your secretly pulling your hair out because your so unhappy. People tell you thinks at first, things that draw you to them, things you MIGHT just have in common…then you find out who they really are a year later. He makes me feel like I’m not worth it anymore…like now that he has me he doesn’t have to try anymore…I think of that as acting…his acting made me act differently too. I wish I was enough inspiration to make him go after what he wants…to get up and be someone and do something. I don’t think I can take much more of us just sitting here with no ambitions and no real communication…him just sitting there knowing I want more and doing nothing about it. I’m sick of this, every time I get with someone EVERY fucking time I put myself out there I get fucked over and everything falls to fucking pieces on the floor and I can’t even begin to pick them all up with out being cut up into forty thousand little scratches. I cry because I would never do to him what he does to me. I cry because I think a lot of the time he only wants few things from me. The stupid girl hit’s a home run with this one.
Apr. 16th, 2009 @ 04:22 pm
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| » FML |
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Why do I feel so dreadful every time I remember how things use to be like the present is just to dull to matter. Or the fact that I’ve pushed to much on certain people to be understood or heard when that made it that much more impossible to read. I’m always wishing more from the people around me, I’m always wanting a full out exciting eventful life but I hide at the very shadow of opportunely. The procrastination pie charts of an empty page. I don’t know how I feel about anything anymore. I don’t know if my feelings are even real. I don’t know if I’m just a puppet with strings and rosy red cheeks walking across a stage for a life live comedy show.
Apr. 14th, 2009 @ 03:55 pm
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| » Some day came suddenly. |
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I don't really like heights.
I don't really like airplanes.
I don't really like being alone at airports with a million people running around speaking a million different languages and not knowing where the fuck I'm suppose to go for an hour till my plane leaves.
When Eric left Michigan I thought it was the end of the world. I use to be one of those people who believe long distance relationships just can't work. I guess because I never loved anyone before Eric. I can't wait to move here, the suns been so good to me.
I don't travel a lot so when Eric offered to fly me to Florida last November I couldn't say no...even though I had never been on an airplane and the last place I wanted to be in the world was in a crowded airport waiting to get on one. I like airports now, I don't mind flying actually. I think it would be cooler if I was flying WITH someone I knew...the people you meet on planes are insane. This last time I flew I sat next to a 15 year old (who looked 18) and was so happy and amped her parents wouldn't let her do anything including cut her hair or wear skirts even if they were long. They wont let her talk to guys and wont let her play sports (which I pegged as her calling) if she doesn't work her ass off for them. She was super nice until we played UNO and she kicked my ass and bragged about it. haha and we hit mad turbulence in Georgia and some lady behind us was talking about how she went on a plane that got struck by lighting and everyone was puking. Like I wanna fucking hear about that when I'm flying?
Almost everyone here talks funny. Fuck those southern accents. I mean some are okay but some just flat out make me wanna pull my hair out. My first day in we landed late. I didn't get in the car till around 1ish and we didn't get home till about 3.
They took Jen off all her medications except for a fentanyl patch. Fentanyl is an extremely strong opioid pain medication that is 100 times stronger than morphine. Fentanyl is used during surgery for anesthesia. Fentanyl is also used to treat chronic pain patients. (which is claims isn't working...she has to be in extreme pain to not feel that shit. =[) She's been withdrawing and getting sick all the time, I feel just horrible. She hasn't gone out with us anywhere but to go grocery shopping.
My 5 day here we had to take another trip to the airport to pick up Ang, Emily, Steve, Hailey and Trevor. (Eric's sisters, Angs boyfriend and their kids.) The drive there wasn't that bad but on the way back we got stuck on the turnpike in a huge fucking jam that lasted 45 mins where there were cop car all over but we didn't see an accident. It was ridiculous.
Yesterday we went to daytona beach and it was really windy but really beautiful.
Apr. 8th, 2009 @ 01:15 pm
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| » Bathrooms are safe places |
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We didn't go to sleep at Kayla's until 6 or something like that when our bodies forced us to pass the fuck out.
Upon waking up we sat in the bathroom all morning downstairs. Just talking and playing with our hair and make up like distress monsters. We even ate oatmeal in there. It was like we were drawn to that spot. Before we knew it, it was already 5 or 6 and we we're still sitting in the bathroom- on and off fighting with our boyfriends (we joked and made a bet to see who could piss off their boyfriend more) I don't know who won- we almost both got broken up with.
Everything worked out later, Kayla fell asleep on me and I talked to Eric all night. He wants to fly me for spring break. I don't know if I wanna go yet or not....I'm getting really bad at saying goodbye over and OVER again. I just need to get out too...I want warmness! I want to not be alone all the time. I miss him. Horribly.
Mar. 18th, 2009 @ 01:05 pm
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| » Skanky Mc. G |
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I woke up to a long ridiculous message from Kayla- followed by her, Kerstin and Keristins (scary) boyfriend showing up at my house to get me.
It occurred to me that even though we don't hang out THAT much- she's still a lot of the same. She will always take 3 hours to get ready even for nothing. That's just Kayla, someone who doesn't realize that she can walk out of the house with make up and people will still adore her. Whata bitch.
So we're all ready we decide to go for a walk down to my brothers house which is on the next street over all the way to the very end. The same walk Kayla walked to me when I broke up with my last ass hole excuse for a boyfriend. The whole way there I remembered how that night went...Realization, Crying, Smoking large amounts of weed, Walking down that road totally annihilated to see Kayla at 3 in the morning and getting honked at by some DRUNK hick and then he stopped and tried to talk to us. Stupendous.
There were no cars in the drive or on the side when we got there so we knocked just incase and went around to the back deck and smoked a few cigs and had a heart-to-heart about how Kayla totally destroyed our friendship when she started dating Marc. She told me she wanted to personally apologize for being so stupid over the years they were dating and lying to me about them being broken up, when all of us knew her better then that anyway. I wasn’t completely forgiving I never said it was okay. I hope she thought about that.
Then we did bonded over doing each others ears with those wax stick things which I had never done before but oddly we both got really excited over.
We went to Northern after and took pictures out of being purely bored.
TJ came over after that, which was quite entertaining. I talked to Jeanine and Hitler for a little bit about Florida and what I’ve been up to. Ghey.
Mar. 17th, 2009 @ 12:28 pm
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| » It's like rain |
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in a way?
My thoughts are over pouring my mind like a broken sink.
The air plane explanation.
There's another one to add to it.
Shit, I need some thing to take the edge off. I could explain it a million times and every time someone would say they understood and really didn't.
I guess that's what we all need sometimes, fake pity to lay to rest our at most vulnerability and loneliness.
That's what I need.
We're designed to fuck up over and over again, until we die.
We'll never learn that we are all going through this alone because as long as we're human we will replay what we want to believe.
We will always say this time will be different.
We will try to change people and change ourselves to who we think we should be.
What we want and what happens are two universes apart.
What we should want is to wake up and not be so naive.
Baby, your so transparent.
Mar. 4th, 2009 @ 01:10 am
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kran_yo's journal
